from our dear, dear, honoured friend Elsh. i honestly don’t know what to say.

// so far my birthday is looking like:

  • bansai angst
  • very tired all day
  • excessive amounts of sugar
  • homework for 5 classes
  • new 3ds game
  • doesn’t dream theater have a new live album out
  • birthdays are just counting the number of years you’ve managed to not die
  • how does one take a nap
  • how does one write a college paper
  • h OMEWORK NO
  • wow i’m an artist

when ur muse is just so in love with another muse that it’s ridiculous

(Source: polymorphen)

Break the Bansai - Part II

shinsuke-undimmed:

Kneeling on the floor, pleading with Bansai to come back to his senses, his hand pushed away …. It was all too ridiculous. He only seemed to be making things worse, anyway. Perhaps he should go and leave Bansai to get over this. And if he never got over it, if this was some irreversable strange mental breakdown? Well, it’d be better to leave now, before Bansai pulled him under as well. 

Let Matako deal with him. If she couldn’t deal, she could always shoot him and put him out of his misery. But Takasugi couldn’t stay another second in this room. There was too much to lose. 

"I’m not afraid," he said aloud, more to his inner self than to Bansai. "I’ve lived in hell for more than ten years. This is only more of the same. I didn’t think you would ever cause me this turmoil but . . "

He took a deep breath before asking the question he’d resolved not to ask. “What did you sacrifice for me, Bansai?”

Within seconds of trying to push Takasugi away, Bansai realized that was the last thing he wanted. It didn’t matter if the song hurt him — the absence of it would be infinitely worse. And he could hear the intent — the need — to escape in there, frantic and painful, his own fault for getting so emotional in the first place. It was a vicious cycle; he had to break it before it was too late for both of them.

This of all things gave him strength. He fell silent immediately, ignoring how the inexplicable pain seemed to grow worse if he didn’t let it out somehow — when at last he felt he could speak, he made sure the words were clear. “Wh-what did I…”

Bansai swallowed hard, staring at nothing in particular in a pitiful attempt to focus. ”What did I sacrifice for you? Everything. Or… hmm, perhaps not quite, considering I’ve found a way to lose more when I thought I’d nothing left.” It was with a terrible effort that he forced himself to smile at this; his unsteady voice did nothing to help the illusion. “But I’ll offer a more elaborate answer, if you so insist: any chance of a life other than this — on the grounds that I was unlikely to live happily to begin with. Any relationships or aspirations I may have held before we met. Money, time, energy, a reasonable amount of free will… love.” His voice caught there, but he added anyway, “As it would only get in the way of that which we are really after. My life as well, should that ever become necessary. And you know this.”

The ability to identify myself in terms of anything but usefulness, some bitter part of his mind spat, but that would be a terrible exaggeration for the sake of emotional manipulation. That was far from his goal here — it was the opposite of it. Because truly, even if he was putting everything into question, even if he’d broken down to the point where nothing mattered anymore, his priority was…

"And… I’ll give you a new one right now, Shinsuke. If this conversation is — if I am — hurting you…” As if he’d only just realized what he was saying, his mind began to panic — no, you can’t do this. I’ve been hurt as well! “Then it does not matter whether you are afraid or not; I have been selfish as well as foolish.” But completely justifiably! You are no better. “If you’d like…” don’t leave me alone! Please, I need— “it may be best if you simply left me here.”

// there’s always a point i pass about three quarters of the way into a long reply where i suddenly become EVIL INCARNATE and make everything 3x longer with the ideas i’m adding

shinsuke-undimmed:

(22:12:50) Niente_de_Nada: all right, wrote a post in THE thread, and tagged it Happy birthday Me-chan
(22:18:58) BNitrothe happy birthday thread?
(22:19:09) Niente_de_Nada: no, the Break the Bansai thread
(22:19:13) Niente_de_Nada: priorities, BNitro
(22:19:16) Niente_de_Nada: priorities ;)
(22:19:34) Niente_de_Nada: inflicting emotional damage on Bansai = best birthday greetings

shaman-alexei:

[txt] see i couldn’t do that though. maybe it’s because edo is still new to me or because i’m meant to stay on the ground, but i can’t see myself doing that like you. i’d die or puke or something. [/txt]

[txt] you have a point there. i’m just wondering why you never realized or wondered it despite probably using it hundreds or thousands of times. i never thought it was that absurd though! people will do anything to get clean if they think they’re dirty enough. [/txt]

[txt:] htere are a lpt of thinhs i do yhat yuo coulfn’tt, for varyung reasons, no? adn not akk o f that isa bad thinb. inf act, hte less we haev in comon the bettre.

[txt:] well, i nevet evem heard o the shwers yuo wete talkign about. htey would habe made mpre sense to haev, but there wdre olny normal shoers yhat worked normaly. i rember one tiem hte atrificial gravity malfunctoned adn evertyone ha dto go withoy showers until itwas fixed.

[txt:] btu ths i just a wastw of yuor time, ism’t it?

(Source: tamashii-no-kyoku)